42 Days since final chemo- still fighting side effects

February 4, 2019

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It has been 42 days since my final chemo treatment. My port was removed a few weeks ago. I look ok to everyone other than my missing hair. Looks can be deceiving.

My energy levels are still very very low. Getting through the work day is torture. But, the bills won’t go away so it must be done. For my husband and I to climb out of the financial hole cancer caused we both have to work every hour we can.  It will be hard but we CAN do it.

The chemo brain fog makes like always eventful. Its like having the memory of a MUCH older person. Its embarrassing as well as frustrating. But, I am learning crutches to jog my memory to try and help. I am told chemo rain may never go away.

The phantom skin itching is maddening. I know a lot of it is caused from the dry skin. Another chemo goodie. I use a lot of lotion trying to combat it and wait for it to taper off and go away

I do have some hair trying to grow back on my head. Its sparse. Not thick and the color is to be determined. But it IS slowly coming in.

The necrosis in my fingers and feet hasn’t lessened up one bit. My fingertips are very numb. I feel pressure but not a lot otherwise most of the time. My feet flip flop between numb and pain. They react to lukewarm water the first five minutes or so as if I had placed them in boiling water. The stay cold feeling no matter what the temperature. The doctors say this can be permanent but it could also go away. I pray it goes away.

Chemo puts our bodies through so much. It’s amazing it doesn’t kill us while trying to cure the deadly cancer. At this point if it ever happened again I am not sure how I would react. Would I decide to take chemo again? I don’t know. It so devastating. But cancer will kill you…

Family, friends, people around town- they tell me”You look so good.” They think I should be “bouncing back” and being relieved to have it behind me. If only it were behind me. I wish I felt the way they say I look. I pray that God gives them all patience with me. I want to be 100%. My body just isn’t there yet.

I want to reconstruct my body. To have two breasts again like other women. But, I personally don’t think my body is healed enough to consider it yet. I think I need to be past the chemo side effects in order to have my best chance at a smooth recovery from any reconstruction.

Pray for me through this tax season. It takes so much energy and my household needs the money. But, getting it all done is not going to be easy. And if you know a cancer patient. Say a prayer for them and don’t assume they feel just fine if they have completed treatment. We don’t like to whine, but we feel so bad inside. Thanks guys! MY love to you all.

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